Monday, March 11, 2013

I would like to meet...

Last week we had an Open House for the girls at their school. It was typical, we went to visit each of their classrooms and saw the things they had been working on.  It wasn't anything that was different than any of the other many open houses we have been too.  But there was one thing that tore at my heart and I have been wanting to share it.  The timing was interesting. I'll explain a little more in a minute. 

Felicity had a Writing Journal that she filled up.  It was so cute.  Here is the cover and a few of my favorite pages.

See such a cute Writing Journal.

ah, she thinks it was the best day of her life... It was a pretty amazing day!

Her glasses, her face and how she helps people.. I like that too! ;)

I should note that this is my homemade mac and cheese, not the Kraft junk... Especially my White Mac and cheese... Yummy!

What amazing things to be thankful for.  Maybe I am teaching her right.  God, Family, Jesus, Life and School. 5 awesome things to be thankful for!
But this is the one that tore at my heart strings. 

Felicity was only 9 months when we lost my mom.  Although she has met her, she doesn't remember anything about her. She only knows the many wonderful things we have taught her about my mom. So when I read this page in her journal, I teared up and realized how much my kids miss my mom too.  I would like her to be able to meet my mom too...But we have to learn to adjust to the changes in our lives.

This week has been a hard week for the past 7 years.  On Saturday I noticed it start.  I was short tempered, I yelled a lot, got frustrated really easily, and was not very nice.  I left to go to the Grocery store, alone, and realized why I was being like that, and I made a conscious decision to remember that being sad, and missing mom did not mean that it was okay to take that out on my kids.  If anything, I needed to help them understand the difficulties and maybe have them help me be more patient and understanding.

Saturday evening was the anniversary of the very last time I spoke with my mother. She was in a hospital bed in Las Vegas and we had gone down to go to the wedding of two our our very dear friends, +Nate Lindorf and +Kristen Lindorf. We left a little earlier (on Thursday) than planned and made a stop at the hospital for a little while. Because of the infections she had, she was in isolation and we had to be covered head to toe.  My face was covered with a mask when we walked in.  My dad looked at me and then at mom "Shirlene, look who came to see you." Mom didn't recognize me. and she looked really confused. She looked at my dad with a sad look on her face and said I don't know. Then he told me to say something, and I said Hi mom, I love you. And she still didn't know.  (She was really sick, and mentally not all there at that point, I wasn't upset or sad or anything that she didn't recognize me, who could with all the stuff covering us up). Then dad looked at her and said "Its your daughter Jaidi, she came down for a wedding this weekend and came to see you."  It was at that moment that mom kind of freaked out a bit.  She looked at me and about 15 times while we were there asked me Why I was there.  I really think she was worried we had only come down cause she was sick and she didn't want to be the cause of that.  We kept trying to reassure her that we had come down for the wedding, not JUST for her (even though I would have and I am so glad I did).  I sometimes wonder if my coming down stressed her body out too much. (no I do not think that I caused her to go into a coma, don't worry). We had an absolutely wonderful visit, and I treasure those moments everyday. I can still her my mom speaking to me that day in my mind... Or maybe I just hear voices, still not sure ;)

The next morning, Friday, we went to Nate and Kristen's wedding. I called my dad on the way there, and he didn't answer.  We left the wedding and I called him again... that was when he told me she had gone into a coma over night. At that point, they thought everything would be fine. Maybe her body needed to recover a bit without the added stress (of an unexpected visit from a daughter who lives 400 miles away). On Saturday, we still fully expected her to wake up. Justin had to get back to work so we made plans to drive back to Provo on Sunday morning.  We told my dad that night that we would be back first in the morning to say goodbye.

Sunday morning we got up packed our stuff, cleaned up the room we were staying in at Justin's parents and as I was making the top bunk bed back up, I sat down (on the top bed, which is unusual for me, I hate the top bunk, but that's a story for another day). I called my dad to let him know we were heading over.

"Jaidi, you need to head straight to the hospital...all of mom's brain activity stopped last night and we need to take her off life support." I think I may have dropped the phone, and I am sure my dad probably said something else.  But I am not entirely sure what it was.  Justin walked in the room at the same time and saw my face and somehow was next to me at the same time, sitting on the top bunk with me. Brett and Angie walked in and saw my face and walked back out. And then Justin and I left Jaicie and Felicity with the Clayton's and we went to watch my mom died.

She died Sunday, March 12, 2006 at 10:24am.  Life support it is very controversial thing, but we all knew that for mom, taking her off was the ONLY option. At that point Sunday morning, they had started pumping out all the food they had pumped in all night, because her bowels had no activity, her heart stayed beating because of machines, her lungs kept breathing because of machines.  There was nothing left of my mom except her body.

I treasure the moment with my mom more than anything else.  And I wish that my Felicity could have the memories of the times she shared with my mom in her first 8 1/2 months of life.But she did have some wonderful moments with my mom. Here are some of them:
  • Mom came and stayed with me for about 5 days after Felicity was born.
  • Mom was the first grandparent to hold Felicity.
  • Mom was there for her ultrasound to find out she was a girl.
  • When mom came into the hospital room and saw her for the first time, she promptly laid her down on the hospital bed at my feet, and unwrapped her blankets and counted her fingers and toes.  "Yep, she's all there" she had said.
  • We spent Christmas 2005 with mom in Las Vegas and she played with Felicity. 
  • Mom came up to visit the Sunday that we blessed Felicity in August 2005.

I cannot express enough how very much I love my mom and treasure every second I had with her and every memory that I have. What an amazing example of a mother I have to live up too. 


Jen said...

Thank you so much for sharing this, Jaidi. From what I gather, Felicity is almost the exact same age as my daughter. Thank you for your example of strength in putting this out there. Lots of love.

Mandi Rolfe said...

Thanks for sharing that beautiful story! Your mom was an amazing lady. I can only imagine what it must be like to have your mother gone. But it sounds like you have a very intuitive little girl. Thanks for sharing her sweet little journal. Her handwriting is beautiful. What grade is she in??