Mountains to Climb

I love the mountains.  Having grown up in Chicago, obviously, I didn't see a ton of them on a day to day basis. We visited family in Utah every year or so. And we enjoyed playing in the mountains when we were there.  In 1994, we moved from Chicago to Las Vegas, NV.  Surrounded by mountains, I quickly grew to love their beauty.  College and our early married life in Utah only intensified that.  The mountains are amazing.  Beautiful, full of so many adventures and majestic (isn't that the word used to describe them? If not just forget that last word).  So, know that I love mountains. 

When I was at BYU for college and while Justin attended after we married, I took the chance on only 1 occasion--- sadly--- to hike up the side of the mountains above BYU to the huge Y painted into the side of the mountain.  It was a hike.. I don't remember much about the hike, but there were lots of turns, lots of uphill climbs and lots of loose rocks... But maybe I am remembering that wrong...it's been a LONG time.  You hike up to the Y hang out, enjoy the view and then hike back down. To put into perspective the trail breaks off at one point. One trail goes to the top of the Y one to either the middle or bottom, I honestly don't remember.  Here's the stats on the Y "The large white Y on the side of the mountain has become the nationally recognized insignia for BYU and the reason why BYU is often called "the Y". It is made of concrete and is 380 feet high and 130 feet wide (116 by 40 m). The Y is even larger than the "Hollywood Sign" in Los Angeles." So yeah, it's a big letter and a kinda big hike.  

Also while at BYU, Justin and I met our good friend Nate Lindorf, who got us into some rock climbing.  I didn't do a ton of it, because we already had Jaicie and then at one point I was pregnant with Felicity, but we loved rock climbing.  Hitting the top of the climb and coming back down was exhilarating.  It was so much fun. I love rock climbing (with the right equipment).

I say all this, because I want you to really understand that I love the mountains before I jump into the next part... So you got it? I love mountains....

So here it goes....

I HATE mountains.  But these mountains are not the physical landscapes that we can go and play on and climb, ski down.  The mountains that I hate are the not so physical (though sometimes they are) mountains that we find ourselves having to climb.  The ones that build character, help us learn lessons, make us better, stronger people...or sometimes just tear us down and leave a shell behind.  The mountains that seem endless...you climb to the top and feel like you are finally going to hit the downhill slope only to find another mountain in your path...and then you don't even pray for a downhill slope anymore, just a plateau, a reprieve from the strenuous climb to catch your breath.  So let's be honest, you hate those mountains too right? 

We all have mountains to climb. My mountains, like my sins, are different than yours, but no more difficult for me to deal with than you to deal with yours.  So I won't go into my list of my mountains over the past few months. But I have had to climb lots of mountains.  Justin's mom recently asked him if he felt like Job yet? It was an eye opening question... Our mountains are not that big... I still get to hold all my babies in my arms whenever I want, I still have a home to live in, I still have a husband by my side, my friends stand by me and support me... Heck sometimes they even hand me a rope to help me out, or give me a push so I can reach that next hold.  Do I feel like Job? No, not even close. But does that mean that my mountains aren't hard... No it doesn't.  

I read a story yesterday about a woman and her husband who are preparing to watch their son die in the coming days from a brain tumor, days... He never even got to go to kindergarten and they have to prepare a funeral in the coming days and lay him to rest.  How completely heartbreaking. Clearly their mountain to climb. 

I spoke with someone recently who lost a baby in the early weeks of pregnancy. A very difficult mountain to climb. 

My mom, 8 years ago, died of cancer...in the 3 years leading up to her death and following her diagnosis, she talked a lot about lessons she had to learn.  She told me once "there is something The Lord has that I need to learn from all of this.  When I learn it, it'll all be okay." Mom had a lot of mountains she climbed in her life, cancer, kidney failure, heart failure, and comas being only a small list of her lifetime of mountains.  She also lost a nearly full term baby who had anencephaly and lived for only 5 hours, who she never got to even see. Mom had mountains, and she climbed them with grace and dignity and she came out on top... Maybe a little further than just on top, she came out singing with the angels cause she kicked those mountains butts. 

I have thought a lot about these mountains.  My mountains, the mountains my family have and are facing, the mountains in the lives of my friends and the mountains in the world around me.  We have a lot of mountains.  Two things come to mind: first "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high..." (D&C 121:7-8)  and second: "know thou my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?" (D&C 122:7-8)

Clearly, as my mom told me just days after being diagnosed with an incurable form of cancer, we have lessons to learn, and when we've learned them, it will all be okay.  So maybe instead of hating the mountains, I should embrace them and kick the mountains butt so I can come out on top... Just hopefully not with the angels anytime soon... (jk) 

One more quote for you...actually a little quoted story...

"My mother fought cancer for nearly 10 years. Treatments and surgeries and finally confinement to her bed were some of her trials.

I remember my father saying as he watched her take her last breath, “A little girl has gone home to rest.

One of the speakers at her funeral was President Spencer W. Kimball. Among the tributes he paid, I remember one that went something like this: “Some of you may have thought that Mildred suffered so long and so much because of something she had done wrong that required the trials.” He then said, “No, it was that God just wanted her to be polished a little more.” I remember at the time thinking, “If a woman that good needed that much polishing, what is ahead for me?” (Mountains to Climb, Henry B Eyring)

Maybe, this year, we have just needed a little more polishing...

Regardless, there will always be some sort of mountain to climb. I think more important than how we come out of them, is how we come through them.  How do we make that climb and what do we learn while doing it...so take a minute and see if you can figure out where your mountain is taking you and what lessons you can learn. 

And love the mountains... they are pretty beautiful!

Worries, Fears and Blessings.

There is something wonderful in my blog posting today.  Over the past couple weeks I have been filled with dread, fear and worrying.  About 2 1/2 weeks ago, my optometrist told me that he was concerned about some swelling of my optic nerve. He said it was caused by extra pressure in my brain and he really wanted me to go in and have it looked at by a specialist.  He told me he was worried I may have what's called PseudoTumor Cerebri.  PseudoTumor is a false tumor that mimics the symptoms of a brain tumor.  I have had migraines, dizziness and numbness for months this solidified any thoughts as to where those may be coming from. Regardless of whether or not there were other explanations for the symptoms, now I had a doctor telling me that these symptoms could all be connected and it could be a PseudoTumor...but then it occurred to me that a false tumor, mimicking the symptoms of a normal tumor...hold on now, I have the symptoms of a brain tumor.  It was a very difficult and emotional couple of weeks for me.  I fretted mostly over how I would tell my father and siblings if there was a brain tumor.  My poor father lost his mother to a brain tumor, his wife to cancer, and his father to a whole slew of problems. I couldn't bare the thought of having to tell him or any of my siblings that I might have a brain tumor...so I didn't tell them anything.  I was so scared and worried about how much it would devastate all of them if that is what the doctor said.  I just couldn't imagine what would happen. I even dreamed up a trip to Vegas to sit down with my dad and 2 of my brothers to give them the news face to face...under the guise of just flying in cause i missed them. (guess I can never use that one huh).  I figured out how I would get my dad there and how how I would work it all out...I just had to figure everything out, just in case.  I couldn't very well tell them something that big over the phone...

It is very difficult to lay in a small tub with your head
padded so it doesn't move for over an hour... just in
case you were wondering. 

So that's been my last 2 1/2 weeks.  Yesterday I went to my appointment with the specialist.  Dr. Patel is a Neuro Ophthalmologist with the Dean McGee Eye Institute at OU.  He did my exam and looked at my eyes and talked to me about my symptoms... and then he said, okay, I need you to get an MRI immediately, today if at all possible and then we will schedule you for a spinal tap and then start you on medication.  The MRI was to rule out a brain tumor. The spinal tap is to test the pressure and screen the cerebral spinal fluid in my brain... YAY for me.  I think it was the urgency he sent me for an MRI that really got me even more freaked out.  I was pretty convinced between about noon yesterday and 8 am this morning that I had a brain tumor.  Justin wasn't. He seemed pretty sure I was fine. Regardless of my worries yesterday, I knew that everything would be okay, no matter what the results were of the MRI. I told a friend that regardless of what I found out, I was going to be okay.  We would work through whatever we found out and everything would be okay.

So when the phone rang this morning and the Caller ID read an OU number I tried to stay calm...but I wasn't at all... The doctors secretary said: Ms Clayton Dr. Patel would like to speak with you do you have a minute to talk with him now.  I said yes and she said okay, just a minute.  Then Dr. Patel picked up the phone and told me he got the results and the everything came back normal.  He then went into the explanation of what comes next, the spinal tap getting scheduled, a follow up downtown and medication started after the spinal tap.  It didn't matter much to me what he said after the MRI was normal. My brain is good!  I don't have a brain tumor.  I don't have to figure out how to tell my family that.  Telling them it was normal would be easy.  I took a few deep breathes and listened to all the doctors instructions and then send Justin a text to let him know it was clear.  "Told ya" was what he had to say. 

As I shared the good news with the people I needed to share it with it was reassuring to realize that I had a long list of people to notify, because it meant that I had a lot of people that cared for me.  And had it been the worst case scenario, I knew I would have been well taken care of.  It is amazing to me the caliber of friends I have here in OKC and every where that were concerned with what was going on.  I am so glad to know that i have amazing people around me.  If I don't get to live close to my family, I am so grateful that I am blessed with amazing people that love and care about me. Those who thought about me and prayed for me and watched my kid most of the day yesterday and ran me all over town to doctors appointments and sent me messages by text and email to let me know they were thinking about me.  I have truly amazing friends around me, so thank you to you all.

And just for comedic affect... here is an awesome clip sharing my sentiments exactly!



So rest assured... IT'S NOT A TOOMAH AT ALL!!!!

Incidentally, I should explain the actual results as we know them right now. I do have swollen optic Nerves.  As of right now the assumption is that I have Pseudotumor Cerebri. We will not know that for sure until AFTER the spinal tap which as of right now isn't officially scheduled yet. At the spinal tap they will measure the pressure in my brain and spinal cord as well as run some other tests on the actual cerebral spinal fluid. They will test for meningitis and other infections that could cause increased pressure (Just to make sure).  There is still not a ton known about what I have, but like I said the assumption is Pseudotumor Cerebri (PTC).  Once I have the spinal tap I will begin taking a medication used to treat Glaucoma, which helps to reduce the production cerebral spinal fluid.  This will decrease the pressure.  Best of all, one of the best ways to treat PTC is the loose weight if you are overweight.  Since I am 6 pounds down since starting weight watchers last week, I am counting myself on the right track for it all.  Its amazing what random extra 20 pounds can do to your brain!  Glad to be on the right track there. 

Its all a long drawn out explanation and a long drawn out process of figuring it all out, but I have a few extra blessings to count today and I am so glad to be able to count them. Thanks to anyone who thought about me, prayed for me, whether or not you know what was going on.  Thanks to you all!  And thanks to everyone that helped me yesterday with various things throughout the day!

Parenting with Meekness and Humility

This morning I awoke to one child yelling at another...again... It is often the same child yelling at the same child day after day. This child is a very tender spirit. This child has a heart big enough to fill a room. He/She has determination like no child I have known. He/She also has a temper like few I have ever known.

I have long thought that I inherited the worst aspects of my parents tempers... And I say that with a heart full of love for both my parents.  I have a great respect for both of them, and the way they controlled their tempers so often...especially with me as a child.  My dad, if I remember correctly, would get angry really quick, you'd get in trouble and then it would be over.  My mom was more the type to be upset about something, let it stew inside for a LONG while and then get really mad and stay that way for a while.  I have a tendency to be a bit of both.  I get angry really fast and little things and then stay angry over them for a while...far too long.  I don't let it stew and then get mad like mom, but I also don't let it go like dad.  I tested my parents tempers often.  I fought with my brothers often... EXTREMELY OFTEN.  I was not an easy child in any way shape or form.

So I know very well where this child gets their temper from.  And I also know how difficult it is to learn to manage. He/She has a long road of learning ahead.  I am still trying to learn how to control it...unfortunately, my children are learning their temper controls from me... And I realize how bad that is and how much it needs to change.

Anyway, back to bickering children.  This child of mine has very strong feelings towards this sibling.  I will say completely honestly that there are times when I fear this child hates his/her sibling.  That worries me and this morning, I realized that I needed help helping this child to love their sibling. To treat their sibling with respect and kindness.  It isn't an easy task to teach, and I have clearly not been doing it will on my own.  So this morning, I sent Justin a message that said: "Can you ponder on things we can do to change teh relationship (child a) has with (child b). (Child a) is so mean to (child b)."  Then I got down on my knees and asked in prayer for help in teaching child A the things that i clearly have not done.  I prayed for help in teaching child a to control tempers, show love. But I also prayed for help in bettering myself as a parent so I can be a better example for child a.

This morning after my prayer was a much different morning than I usually have.  While the kids were their usual selves, I wasn't.  I kept a calm tone with them, I walked into Child A's room and just asked if I could give him/her a hug. And give a big long hug that was needed.  I didn't yell at the kids all morning.  I calmly (or at least more calmly) reminded them to get shoes and socks on. I kept my cool and stayed much calmer (most of the time).  While I didn't have a perfect morning, it was better.

Then I got in the car because I had an errand to run.  I decided that I wanted to listen to some music from my phone.  So I plugged it in and as I was about to touch the music app, I thought how nice it would be to listen to one of the conference talks from our church general conference last month. So I opened up the LDS Gospel App, opened up the conference talks and opened up a talk, one I didn't remember hearing during conference (which was common since I was in a house with 8 kids). I started the talk and was so deeply humbled by the obvious answers to my prayers, in such a quick succession.  The talk I listed to was entitled: Be Meek and Lowly of Heart by Elder Ulisses Soares.  This talk had a lot of gems in it that really stood out to me.  Here are just a few:

1. "Being meek does not mean weakness, but it does mean behaving with goodness and kindness, showing strength, serenity, healthy self-worth, and self-control."

 2. "We are blessed to be born with the seed of meekness in our hearts. We need to understand that it is not possible to grow and develop that seed in the twinkling of an eye but rather through the process of time. Christ asks us to “take up [our] cross daily,” meaning that it must be a constant focus and desire.

President Lorenzo Snow, the fifth prophet of our dispensation, taught, “It is our duty to try to be perfect, … to improve each day, and look upon our course last week and do things better this week; do things better today than we did them yesterday.” So the first step to becoming meek is to improve day by day. Each day we need to try to be better than the previous as we move forward through this process.

President Snow added:

“We have our little follies and our weaknesses; we should try to overcome them as fast as possible, and … should [instill] this feeling in the hearts of our children … that they may learn to [behave] properly before Him under all circumstances.

“If the husband can live with his wife one day without quarrelling or without treating anyone unkindly or without grieving the Spirit of God … ; he is so far perfect. Then let him try to be the same the next day. But supposing he should fail in this his next day’s attempt, that is no reason why he should not succeed in doing so the third day.”

 3.  "At these moments and in other difficult situations, we must learn to control our temper and convey our feelings with patience and gentle persuasion. This is most important within our homes and within our relationships with our eternal companions. During the 31 years I’ve been married to my sweetheart, she has often given me gentle reminders of this as we have faced life’s unsettling challenges."

4. "By controlling our reactions, being calm and temperate, and avoiding contention, we will begin to qualify for the gift of meekness."

And this one may be my favorite:

5."Christ faced extreme physical and spiritual suffering, giving us the opportunity to change our spiritual character and become meek like Him.

"I bear my witness that Jesus Christ is our Savior. I testify to you that, thanks to His love, it is possible to change. It is possible to leave our weaknesses behind. It is possible to reject the evil influences in our lives, control our anger, become meek, and develop the attributes of our Savior. He showed us the way. He gave us the perfect example and commanded each one of us to become as He is. His invitation to us is to follow Him, follow His example, and become like Him"

There are a lot of obstacles that we face as parents.  Only one of them is the obstacle of learning how to do the job the best way we can.  But as Elder Soares stated, it is possible to change.  One of my MANY, MANY weaknesses is controlling my temper and it is something that I have been working hard to leave behind.  Meekness and Humility are the gifts I want to qualify to be blessed with.  I have often questioned what meekness is.   And this talk seems to do a good job at teaching me.  I only hope that now I can take all of the things I learned today to heart.

We often learn from others...and I would like to learn from you.  What are your best tips and tricks for controlling your tempers and staying calm in the face of angers and frustrations? Especially when those angers and frustrations come from your children who you want to teach the same thing too.

**incidentally, there are reasons I am not identifying which child I am talking about.  I am sure you can relate, but I have had incidents where my children were told of discussions that I had had with other adults and they were very hurt by the fact that I had discussed it with others.  I see no reason why anyone needs to know which child is which, but the scenario itself is evident of what happened for me this morning and I feel like it conveys my hopes much better than without it. I love my children, all of them, which all of my heart and am so proud of them each and every day. And I hope that this does not in anyway make you feel like that is not the case. They are amazing human beings that I cannot wait to see how the world is blessed by them in the future.

John 5:30: "I can of mine own self do nothing"

Parenting Struggles

Yesterday was a particularly difficult day at church. I was left frustrated and overwhelmed with Collin. I have never had to deal with a child refusing to go to primary on Sunday. The girls were always excited to go to primary and even as Sunbeams were SO well behaved. But Collin is different and has been extremely clingy in many different areas. Yesterday was different even then usual. He honestly threw a fit when I told him it was time for primary. He did not want to go to primary. He stood against the wall until someone else came and conned him into going to primary. After there, he caused more problems because he was being disruptive and still getting to do the activities, like fishing, when other kids who were being reverent and sitting quietly hoping for a turn didn't get one. Apparently, he had fun, but he was still causing problems. So once he goes to his class, he is disruptive and mean to the other kids. He refuses to do what the teachers ask and just causes problems. So they bring him to me. After missing all of Sunday School because he was waiting in the hall being ornery, I had to miss the majority of Relief Society too because he was being disruptive in class.

How can I stay mad at this face?...UGH!

He is such a different child than my girls were. It is so hard to not compare them. After breaking down in tears multiple times before leaving church and crying most of the way home from church, I felt like just giving up on Primary and just taking him home every week (not that I would actually ever do that). I got home and got dinner started and went and hid in my room for a while with my scriptures. I opened the scriptures up to 2 Nephi 33. I started reading and got as far as verse 3. "But I, Nephi, have written what I have written, and I esteem it as of great ^aworth, and especially unto my people. For I ^bpray continually for them by day, and mine ^ceyes water my pillow by night, because of them; and I cry unto my God in faith, and I know that he will hear my cry." It is a simple scripture, but yesterday it just spoke to me. "For I pray continually for them by day and my eyes water my pillow by night." As a parent I think this is especially true. But as a child, I also know it is true. For those we are stewards over (namely our children) we pray for them, and cry for them often. But there are those who also do the same for us. Our parents pray for us, even my children pray for me, my Heavenly Father 'prays' for me (though it may not exactly be prayer, I don't know how that would work exactly). But there are tears shed for us by many and prayers sent up by many. As a parent, I have to remember that there are people fighting for me too. There are people above who are hoping for me, praying for me, crying for me, watching over me, and they know what I am going through. I am sure my mom spent many nights 'watering her pillow' for me and my siblings. Now she watches over me and knows what I am going through.

So what are your tips and tricks for getting kids happy to go to primary (or sunday school, or child care at church - Whatever you do at your church). I am not sure it is a struggle I can do each week. I am not sure I can handle another Sunday like I had yesterday.

Struggles and Strengths.

I thought I would share some of our families struggles and strengths. I am not usually one to air our 'dirty' laundry, but I feel that some of our recent struggles, have really grown into great strengths. They have been uplifting and learning experiences. Please don't judge, we all have our struggles and strengths. 

Jaicie and I have had our moments recently. We have come to butt heads quite a few times. It has been a difficult run for both of us. This week, we have both been trying extra hard on our tempers and how we react to each other. Jaicie and I are very much alike in our tempers. I realized recently that I got the worst of both my parents tempers. (I say that with all love and respect to both my parents).  Jaicie seems to have gotten ALL of my temper. Any way, as a result of both of our tempers, things have gotten a little out of hand a couple of times. But I am proud to say that for both of us, this week has gone about a thousand times better. I am sure there will be road blocks in the road ahead, but I am also sure that with the prayer that has helped us so far, we will be able to get over these moments...Aside from that, Jaicie is doing really well at school. Her reading has taken off. She has read The Wizard of Oz, The Lightning Thief, Diary of a Whimpy Kid 1 and 2, and a whole list of other books. She is reading far beyond her 2nd grade level. Jaicie is also doing great with math. She has started learning multiplication, division and cursive handwriting at school. She has also done some studying on the parts of the brain. It is fun to hear about all she learns at school. 

Felicity is doing really well. She tries to read sometimes. When she is actually willing to try to read, she does really well. But at home she isn't willing to try. She has been that way her whole life--Always wanting to get back to playing or cartoons and not wanting to try to write or read. But we have been working harder and will continue to work hard to keep her on track. She however LOVES math. Already she is figuring out everything she can with addition. I think that she has a brilliant math mind. And again, as long as I can work with her and keep her on track, I think she will really go far in it!  

Collin is doing great! His talking has taken off by leaps and bounds. It is wonderful to hear him talk. He really enjoys counting. 2, 2, 3, 8, 7, 9...Still working on getting those numbers in order. He loves watching ABC videos. And he loves playing on his sisters leapster. He loves spongebob and sings along with the opening song. He will repeat anything you say, so be careful what you say around him.  I have learned a bit about being careful about my speech, more so than normal. Collin has learned a lot lately about Time Out. We have also learned that Time Out is extremely effective with Collin. When he does something he is not supposed to do, we tell him to go sit by the wall in time out and he goes. Within seconds, he calms down and sits patiently until we have him come back and he says sorry. It is really sad, but he has the sweetest look on his face when he comes back. 

In case you hadn't noticed, Justin has taken to helping out withe blog lately. For some reason, he likes to mess around with people's heads and feels the need to post under different names. So when you randomly see different names making posts, that would be the reason!  Justin is finishing up his month in Anesthesia which has been especially lovely. He works few hours and spends lots of time with us. It has been wonderful.  March 1 he begins the beginning of his 6-6 schedule. He will work either 6-6 days or nights, 6 days a week, and will not get a weekend off (Sat or Sun) until July. I think only one of those months involves nights. So for the next few months, I will be going with my 3 little angels to church each Sunday, by myself...It should be especially interesting. So if you see me struggling, know I am doing my best!  But Justin is enjoying his work. And he is happy. I couldn't ask for more. 

As for me, I am doing really well. My scripture study has gone really well. I finished 4th Nephi in my study today. It is amazing the things you learn of the Book of Mormon when you study it the way I have been. Reading along in the institute manual has really enlightened my understanding of the Book of Mormon. I also finished the Doctrines of the Gospel manual a couple of weeks ago. What a great study that was. If you haven't done it before, or not since College, I would encourage you to go to the Church's Institute page and download the manuals, or order them. It really enhances your scripture study. And it also gives you a set study for each day. I have done a chapter just about every day. It keeps stories together and the quotes in the book make clear some of the areas of the Book. I really have loved this course of study. And I am trying to figure out what my next course of study will be. My work is still a bit of a struggle. I am learning for myself what I want to see in clients that I work with. Starting a new business is a huge challenge. I am learning a lot and hopefully, this takes off soon!  Please if you know of anyone in need of some office assistance, send them over to my website at www.imagineitvoa.com and they can contact me for any work! 

Well, that takes you up to date on our family. 

Struggles really lead us to our strengths. It is hard to see that when we are amidst the difficulties of the struggles, but looking back now, I can see the strengths that are building through each of the struggles our family has seen.